Carpathia IV: Episode 55 - Weenie Infraction Calculator
Ready Room, NCCS Shadowdancer
Nalma found himself in an unusual position, sitting in the ready room awaiting a disciplinary hearing with his commander. Stranger still was the way that Commander Joust carried himself, sitting not in the Captain's chair, but cross-legged on top of the desk. After some thought, it would make sense. He caught sight of Joust on departure day sitting in his commander's chair, which made him look even tinier than he already was. Nalma understood that it wouldn't be a very commanding position indeed if Joust's head barely rose above the level of the desk while exacting discipline.
Joust: So, I guess you know why you're here?
Nalma frowned suspiciously and decided he wouldn't say more than he had to.
Nalma: I think I might have an idea.
Joust cocked his head to one side and leaned in, squinting ominously. Nalma thought he might have made things worse for himself until Joust let forth a chuckle.
Joust: Yep, yep. You're not one to fall for that old trick. You've been around long enough to avoid accidentally confessing something I don't know about.
Nalma said nothing more and watched as Joust picked up a tablet from the desk.
Joust: Okay, we received a complaint from one of the mess hall workers that you threatened him.
With confirmation that the meeting was as he expected, Nalma answered affirmatively.
Nalma: That is correct.
Joust's wings wiggled in a way that Nalma could only describe as mirthful, though his limited knowledge of bats made him unsure if this was a correct assumption.
Joust: Well, then. That makes this easier. We did conduct the investigation as required and we have determined that Cinnai should remain in the kitchen rather than serving the crew until we can replace him. Unfortunately, that might take awhile. We're short on tokki in the kitchen as it is and we won't be able to get another until we return to Polaris Deep at the earliest. I'll go ahead and put in the request, but we're not exactly swimming in tokki out here.
Nalma: At least I won't have to deal with him anymore.
Joust: In any case, back to you. Regardless of how much of a jerk Cinnai was, the fact still remains that you engaged in violent behavior.
Joust picked up an unsharpened pencil from the desk and stuck it in his ear.
Joust: Now, what shall your punishment be... Ah ha!
Joust poked his finger in the air as though he had a marvellous inspiration. Reaching behind him, under the desk, he pulled out an abacus.
Joust: Cleaning toilets is a good one. I will use this to determine how many toilets you need to clean!
Joust shifted the abacus from side to side, making all the beads slide around on the rails. Nalma watched silently, but rather apprehensive about where this was going, having neither an idea nor even a guess as to what sort of disciplinarian his new commander would be.
Joust: Okay, let's start with a baseline. You threatened violence against one of the kitchen staff.
Joust shifted all of the abacus beads to one side and then moved many dozen, one by one, to the other side, each bead making a distinctive "tick" sound when it hit the frame or another bead.
Joust: We'll start here. Now we do the mitigating factors. First, you didn't actually commit a violent act, so we'll subtract some toilets.
Joust used his claws to rapidly shift several beads to the opposite side.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick...
Nalma hardly heard what Joust said, so intent he was watching Joust's hands deftly shift the beads with lightning speed.
Joust: You're lucky Teren was there to stop you. Subtracting more toilets because Cinnai is a big, racist jerkface.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick...
Joust: Subtracting more because you were truthful and did not argue the accusation.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick...
Joust: And subtracting more because you have had a spotless service record up until now.
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick...
Joust: That leaves us with... One toilet!
Joust set the abacus aside and leaned forward with his hands on his knees. Though glad that his punishment was very light indeed, Nalma still said nothing, too bemused by the situation to say anything.
Joust: I think the toilet in your quarters will do just fine. I will be down in an hour to check. Make sure it's sparkly! Dismissed.
Nalma gave a quick nod and stood, visibly pleased with the result.
Nalma: Yes, Commander.
Joust: Send in Ensign Pendergast on your way out.
Nalma: Yes, Commander.
Nalma hurried out of the ready room and Amenaru entered before the door closed behind him.
Joust: Have a seat, Ensign.
Amenaru: Yes, Commander.
Amenaru scurried to the chair with his tail between his legs and sat as instructed.
Joust: We need to have a little chat about this infatuation you have with your weenie. It's bad enough that you got it out on the bridge, but you just had to go and pet it a few times before putting it back in, didn't you?
Amenaru's ears flattened as he lowered his head.
Amenaru: I'm very sorry, Commander.
Joust: Yes, I'm sure you are, but I've had a look at your records and your service has been exemplary for the most part, except for that one fight and this string of weenie-related issues.
Joust picked up the abacus from the desk again and tossed it to his side where it bounced several feet across the carpet.
Joust: That one won't do. I have a special one for you.
Joust reached behind the desk again and pulled out a much larger abacus, this one with a title bar stretched across the top. The Ensign Pendergast Weenie Infraction Calculator.
Joust: Let's get started, shall we?
Commissioned art in this episode from:
AvareonArt
Zelbunnii
Thatwildmary
Colourbrand
